This post was supposed to be short but ended up really long so I'm gonna split them into sections.. ?

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Seems like I'm unconsciously keeping to myself lately.. or something.

I've been unusually quiet around people, even the ones I could talk alot to. I apologize if it's boring hanging out with me these days since I don't talk much, it's to the extent of awkwardness sometimes.

Whenever there's silence, I always wonder if it's comfortable silence or not. People say silence can be comfortable, but I normally feel weird when there's nothing to say, like I'm responsible for it. What if "omg, it's boring now maybe we shouldn't hang out next time" crosses their mind? Or maybe because there are times where I can talk alot so silence is unusually uncomfortable? But how does it feel like for the other party? I guess there's no answer to this.


---


About the lack of updates here.. there's less need to write, that's why. It's more like the lack of sensitivity towards everything.

To say I've been preoccupied with other stuff is just an excuse, I would say. This blog should mean far much than other things but I just, honestly feel so little about everything now. Strange phenomenon.

Also, I've been appearing offline 99% of the time simply because I'm at a loss for words these days. It's amazing how I had so much to say in the past. Small talks felt fine then, I guess.


---


On a random note, I think admiring good looking males can get boring. They're things that last for 2 weeks, at most. (anyway even females have nice features) It's a common thought, of course.

On the contrary, watching people who sprout mean things, those who play pranks on others, those with vengeful, scheming eyes, those who look like there's always complicated, twisted things going on in the minds can get soooo interesting. There's never an end to it.

Intense eyes can kill you, don't they? Caramel coloured eyes that always twinkle, a smirk and an evil grin, ahhh. A genius in song composition and so much emotion put into a song. A person who screams for freedom yet has a strong sense of responsibility.

Generally speaking, just any musical genius with a complicated mind and intense eyes will get my heart pumping. Fantasies.


---


Though people say "you'll have no regrets if you try your best!!",

I hate trying my best. I really hate to try my best. I hate to see myself fail, or to see myself not being good enough. It's a pretty warped thinking, come to think of it. Failure that doesn't come with effort doesn't feel so much like a failure to me. Failure is when you try hard but still can't be good enough.

It's a day to a new year, it's time I got rid of this warped mindset that's ruining me in many ways unimaginable.


---

I'm a sucker for retro stuff.

So I went around asking shops if they sold portable cd players (discman) but it didn't matter that all of them gave me the "hello it's 2010 not 1998 why are you looking for a cd player when there are mp3 players all around?!"

and I got sooo excited (secretly or not so secretly) when I saw a shop selling vinyl records AND AND a vinyl player!! they cost 270 and if my dad's one is really spoilt... how about one to last me the next few decades?? I mean, they still sell vinyl records in HMV..


---


We found a really cool cafe today, by the way.



Lastly, I cannot stand how horrible my english has become.

(I'll sound like an airhead in this entry)

The last few days were spent watching:

Arashi no Shukudai kun
Himitsu no Arashi chan
Mago mago Arashi
Odoroki no Arashi
G no Arashi (with bits of A no Arashi)

filled with the coolest experiments and food sampling ever! Like slurping ramen in zero gravity, drinking beer in zero gravity, joining two species of growing fruits together, building a gigantic kite so someone can fly on it, an underwater orchestra, hurdles with binoculars on hahah.

I've successfully downloaded 60 episodes of arashi no shukudai kun all thanks to the subbing teams out there :D

Mythbusters is as interesting (or even more) but the entertainment value makes up for everything else :D



Like there's a point in blogging...

Back to my shows and yes I'm playing konseki, taiyou no uta and sweet caroline on my shiny black guitar too! Slow-mo, unfortunately. I'm not not getting blisters on my fingers yet so there's still ALOT more work to be done. Yayyy!

It's been too long I'll update when I'm back~

Leaving for hk in a few hours' time. Well, there's a computer there, shops nearby and extra clothes at home so it'll be fine!

So glad I've my own ways of escaping from humanity.

& something's wrong with me. I won't allow myself to touch the guitar without a clean body. (at least skin that will be in contact with the guitar). It's too black, shiny and beautiful.

What do I need for a trip? Uh, one book, my diary, mp3, camera, phone, money, clothes.. okay done. Prolly a few CDs? Oh yes this reminds me, I want to get a portable CD player.

God I feel so annoyed. The responsibility of pleasing both parties falls entirely on my shoulders and I'll prolly be held responsible if either one isn't satisfied. Technically it has nothing to do with me at all. Bloody leave me alone for today. Go.

If you take me then you'll get relief

Radiohead - Last flowers

I think this video goes well with the song, it makes my hairs stand sometimes. Thought the song went well with today's movie too.

I liked how many things seemed absurd at first but made more sense in the end when the 'confessions' were made (explaining the reasons behind the things they do) So amazing how things can happen, all with the power of imagination and twisted minds. It's fascinating how one event can affect a person so much (differing reactions for different individuals), and once you let yourself take the first move you'll just fall deeper and deeper. A simple need, want or feeling of hatred can manifest into many things unimaginable.

Like every bloody thing is about our mind and nothing else.

Personally, I liked the movie.

Awesome picnic, awesome crazy trip to vintageshop, awesome (abit fail but fun) birthday surprise and steamboat, awesome guitar in my hands right now!!!

Gonna blog when I have more time since there's only an hour before I leave the house for a movie I've always wanted to watch. Gonna try out the guitar I just got (thanks to xuanee who went with me), till then! :D

I feel so unproductive these few days, there isn't even much time to sit there and think. Which explains the lack of posts. I feel like I'm just going with the flow, doing things people do, and it stops right there and that. It's all a mad rush and at the end of the day all I can ask myself are:

"what are the plans for tomorrow? I better plan the time well and make sure nothing clashes?".


I remember the things we do, I remember the photos we take, the tiredness, but what about the thoughts and feelings I used to get out of most trips? Alright, I do remember. "communication breakdown. communication breakdown." kept running through my head one particular day.

Now things are familiar. Unpleasant feelings always remain deeply rooted, happy moments pass off as snippets and frozen memories. But like the word frozen suggests, cold and senseless. Pleasant emotions can only be dug out upon the thought of a frozen moment; Unpleasant emotions well up to you anytime, sometimes you don't even remember what triggered those feelings.

My dreams portray many unpleasant aspects of my subconscious, things I clearly remember. Do I actually remember pleasant memories in my dreams, or is it really because they don't exist?

At the end of each day, I'm glad things are finally falling into place (a little), moments alone are rare now compared to a rather fearful period just a few weeks ago. But sometimes, conversations run dry. So I tell myself meet-ups are merely meet-ups and only sometimes lead to a follow-up and I can't expect to get too much out of a conversation. At other times, I wonder why I can't communicate with others too well - I haven't found an answer to that.

Actually, they don't seem like they're falling into place when I realise others are talking much more to each other, having much more fun with each other. Comparison is such a killjoy.

I always end up asking myself why there aren't many things I'd like to say to others. After all that has happened, I realised there's so much you cannot say. Up till now, I find it difficult to know where to draw the line - when to speak and when not to. In the end, it's still the safest to not speak at all.

I yearn for the day where I can be completely comfortable around someone. Afterall, it's just me who finds it uncomfortable. Just me who prefers to not try to open up to others while communicating. It's easy to open up to spaces (like a diary) because there's no communication involved and there's nothing to care about. Everything's different when there is a person in front of you. But it's painful to share everything with just a book.

--

People are such complicated beings and I would honestly prefer not to be involved. Just to sit there and observe the interaction between them would be enough. If only I wasn't human and didn't have a fear of being alone and unwanted.

It's much easier to be a robot than to have feelings; but there isn't much point in living like that, I guess. Why else would I subconsciously complain about feeling "empty" and "devoid of emotion"?

From end of A's (30th) till now:

shopping for prom (great chore & quite a bore)
Harry potter with bro and yh
prom @ york hotel
hotel stay over
newyork newyork & flyer
standard chartered route marshall volunteering
out with family to boat/clark quay (had AWESOME ramen)
board games with family
sent dad off at airport
dinner with mom's friends
planning for hk trip
dinner at 85 (STINGRAY IS THE BEST)


For the record, there were 3 whole days where I only stayed at home for 2.5 hours in total, just to bathe and get my things.

-----------------------------

There's only one thing I'd like to say. I realise I remember mostly the feelings I have in dreams and not so much of the situation itself. Yesterday's one got my heart pumping and had a twist in the end, with my friend crying on my shoulder and us hugging each other. It was a warm feeling after a crazy escape.

The rest.. a few photos!


Priscilla had fun taking photos for the both of us in the hotel while the rest were getting supper outside. I like the lighting!


Flyer with the people I haven't hung out with in a long time.
Circumstances. Anyway, we got Ain a little cake and sang her a birthday song in the capsule, though a little belated.


View from the flyer!


Went back home at 1015 that day and rushed out at 1045 after bathing to meet the rest at promenade at 1115 and walked to F1 pitstop.

Peixuan, Yingjun and I sat along nicoll highway from 2am to 9am, with the toilet 1 km away and chatting till the race started at 5am. We had great fun cheering the runners on, some of them were in weird costumes: chicken, pokemon etc. There was a point where I was soooooo tired from the lack of sleep and rested for a minute and this runner said "so sleepy how to volunteer?!" So I got up and shouted as much as I could after that.

I just wish people didn't complain so much about the food or anything else. We went there to volunteer and to gain experience afterall.






I'm lazy to upload the photos of the food from today's trip to 85, but the stingray was way awesome. We had stingray, chickenwings, bakchormee, sugarcane, tangyuan!! My tummy hates me.

& if you haven't realised, I haven't gotten my guitar. AND I SHALL! Probably this saturday I CANNOT WAIT. So I'll be going out with ky tomorrow, art peeps on thursday, nico on friday and the girls at night, guitar on saturday, band concert on sunday, packing on monday, hongkong on tuesday (14 to 22)


Sounds kind of eventful but I'm going to stay at home abit after I return from hongkong and make sure I complete the things I was supposed to do: read, practise the piano, pick up the guitar, draw a little. Or else it'd just feel empty and unproductive. It's great hanging out with people though, staying at home for far too long will really turn me into an anti-social kid.

Drop dead tired after SCMS volunteering from 12am to 10am, a whole day out on the flyer an hour before that, prom the night before and hotel stayover after that. Throat is dry from screaming.

What is WRONG with my brain? Stop having such high expectations and stop worrying just stop it already. Stop it. Stop it.

Also, I came across this quote today (John Green):

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?'

In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.

---------------

Note the first 'contemporary insult'. Many things are going through my mind as I read that. It's like asking those 'nerds' - "you think you're great just because you're different from us? You think you're greater than us? Damn you, nerd. Why can't you be like all of us? You weird nut.". Now, why do people think that way?

I often question myself about why there is so much about things and people I reject. Who am I to say all these things? and yes... who am I?

I don't need people, just a person. Someone who'll listen when nobody else is, someone who won't ever leave you just because there's something about you they don't like.

It seems as though everybody else has that "someone", a mom, a sister, a best friend, a boyfriend they can say everything to without any worries. It never feels right to have someone listen to me when they have more important people to listen to. And all of them have more important people.

The very fact that my only form of release, this blog, has to be controlled just to be careful not to not to express myself too much in case people see it and get upset. Or when you're sad or insecure or depressed you're not supposed to show it just because nobody wants to be friends with someone insecure, sad and depressed. Or how I'll feel guilty and ashamed for ranting to someone, for the fear that it'll be annoying, whiny, irritating.



Like how I'm reading whatever I wrote. Why do I even write here? When I actually don't want people to read? When I'm so afraid of them judging me after they read this? Judge me for whining complaining or being a hopeless brat. Why do I not want to privitise this then? Because it's like throwing the responsibility of hearing you out to a person who probably does not even want to listen to you.

Someone just read my mind already I'm tired of writing.

I can't wait to press the RESTART button on my life.
I want to bloody move on, away from this damned reality.

I went home after the last day of exams while the rest were having fun with each other. Don't I miss my old life too much?

Think I'm going to make this a draft out of guilt again. bye.

What am I doinggg

I've always wondered how things aren't always like "do not do unto others what you do not want them to do unto you".

For example, privacy. Someone who needs privacy would probably find it difficult to not invade others' privacy. Of course, there are several reasons for our need for privacy but in general, to obtain privacy means to have a control over what others can see and what they cannot.

To do that, one must be able to understand the other party (person A) to know HOW to protect him/herself from person A. It requires understanding person A without him knowing you're doing so such that you can have perfect control. And to do that, you need to intrude into Person A's privacy. (which contradicts how one can value privacy and intrude into others' privacy at the same time)

Different people work on different logic, of course.


Or trust. Someone who lacks trust in others would most probably want others to trust them. So they start out with "I want others to trust me" and rightfully, they should trust others as well but they obviously can't.

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Anyway, I chose these two examples for a reason. There isn't anything called trust or privacy in this house. After so much frustration about these two issues, I somehow found some links between them.

1a) my mom's lack of trust in me (why, I haven't figured out) +
1b) her wanting to protect me from harm (she reads too much about adolescents turning uh.. bad) It's because she loves me but it really gets a little too extreme..

2) her need to know everything about me (and complaining that I hide too much, which I do as a result of 3)

3a) thus flipping through my things without permission (I saw her doing that to someone else when I was young and she'll look at whatever that's on the table or on the computer screen, and she picked up the phone at least 3 times when I was talking to my friend just to check if it was a boy -it wasn't- AND looked at my account books etc. and probably other stuff on my table AND complained about not letting her read my blog)
3b) questioning me when she finds something fishy (which may not be anything at all, just over suspecting)

4) my instinct to hide everything from her and valuing privacy

----------------------

In no way am I trying to blame her for my state, I do not have an intention to. I just want to find out the reason why I'm like that and do something about it. So pardon me if the tone sounds harsh (that's something I really have to improve on), and for point 3 which sounded like I'm ranting. Okay, maybe I was ranting at point 3 but that's where it stops. Well anyway it might partly be my fault that she doesn't trust me.

Always focus on the positive goal and not the negative past right?



Sadly, we always tell ourselves "I don't want to be like my parents in xxx aspects when I grow up!" but we always do. UNLESS we actively try to do something about it. Give me time, I'll try.

I can't stand who's inside my body.
I can list all that I'm concerned about so easily:

Recently, whatever I do makes others and myself upset.

I hate it when people talk like they're superior.
I hate it when people talk like they know me best. They don't.
Is that same as liking superiority and hating inferiority?

I see flaws in others and myself far too well. Too well.

My all-or-nothing mentality makes me not want to do anything.

The fact that I don't trust anyone makes me frustrated.

My insecurities are killing me. And others around me.
There are very little people I dare to say "I love you" to without the fear of them being disgusted. Or telling them that when they don't even like me half as much as I like them. Rejection.

I understand myself so much that I end up feeling as though I don't know myself at all because of the confusion.

I'd really rather be alone. But being alone too much is... lonely.


My need for privacy contradicts whatever I'm writing here.

Just why have I grown into this person? I prefer the old me.
I just need an answer for this. Why am I not easy going anymore?

All my abnormal dreams must be explanations for these.



http://arstechnica.com/staff/fatbits/2009/05/hypercritical.ars

I feel EXACTLY like this guy. I've become too critical of myself and others that I end up seeing nothing but flaws, pissing others off, getting increasingly frustrated with myself and not trusting others.

.. on the other hand, I'm afraid if I try to lose that critical part of me, all the things I do will turn out horrid. I'm afraid I'll accept things at certain levels even if they are not good enough. I think I need help this is driving me crazy and increasingly isolated from everyone.

Why is there so much hatred in me? Where has the girl from a few years ago gone to? Why is there so much jealousy, lack of trust and doubt? What is this loneliness I speak of, have I really created it myself?

ART

What is the purpose of art? Expression for the artist, and to provoke thought, for the audiences? What role does this subjectivity play in our lives when we are not the ones creating these pieces? Art serves great purpose to the artist himself, it is a mere point of view from the artist. Do Audiences like it because it echoes their thoughts? I realised I only like art pieces which echo my thoughts and for those I don't agree with, it makes me think. Do people like art for any other reasons?

Even though I always procrastinate and leave studying for the very very last minute, I'll miss studying for SOVA. It's really interesting when you read in depth - just that I've started too late again. Art isn't like other subjects though, it isn't all about the studying but interpretation and how you react to it. And that's why I like it

AM I BLOODY LOSING MY MEMORY? WHY CAN I NOT REMEMBER THE NOTES TO THE SONG I PRACTISED YESTERDAY, AND IT WAS A SONG THAT KEPT PLAYING IN MY HEAD TILL THE MOMENT I FELL ASLEEP? WHY DO I FORGET WHATEVER PEOPLE SAY AFTER A FEW SECONDS? WHY CAN I NOT REMEMBER NAMES ANYMORE? WHY DO I FORGET THE SPELLING OF WORDS WHEN I USED TO BE SO GOOD AT IT? JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN MY BRAIN? RIGHT NOW? TELL ME NOW?

Chopin Polonaise - I'm going to play it after A's. And if I forget again I will play till I remember. But why is this happening?!

I change my mind. I'm gonna tackle other pieces before taking on such a difficult challenge especially since I've stopped for so long. Maybe I should play two at the same time?

Note the stark contrast in the kinds of emotions you'll go through when you read these two websites.

Auschwitz - gate to hell
Auschwitz Museum site


I want to visit Auschwitz-Birkenau (Nazi concentration camp for jewish, soviet POWs and other prisioners in the south of poland, oswiecim) to see for myself if I'll get that overwhelming feeling, seeing how I'm normally desensitized when it comes to dramas about murder and all. Dramas are very different from reality afterall. You could say I'm slightly sadistic, I forgot if it scares me. It doesn't scare me anymore. .. maybe not. Some of the information are just too scary.

If you try researching on the Auschwitz and the reactions of the visitors, many described it as "overwhelming, chilling, life-changing experience". I want to know if I'll feel that way too, or if I'll simply nod my head, flinch alittle and move on.

{edit} I TAKE BACK MY WORDS. Reading too much makes me alittle sick, especially the experiements{/edit}

----

After reading the first one I thought I was truly desensitized as I felt almost nothing, nodding my head at the kind of torture equipments they had. Reading the second article proved me wrong, for I did feel for the people. It's probably because putting things into context allows you to relate to the people more, instead of cold, hard facts about torture equipments in the second site.

Along with photos like THESE, and the part about the doctors using the prisoners as experiments it's difficult to not be able to feel. I can't imagine walking in wooden carved shoes, (do check the other photos out). It's extremely strange that I find dissection and blood less scary than walking in wooden shoes and using bowls for eating, washing, and as pillows. Tell me if you feel the same?

I also heard about the entire deadly atmosphere, especially in winter where there aren't any birds in the sky at all and the place is just filled with a sense of vast emptiness. Totally different from what you'll experience from just looking at photographs.

------

The thing is, my family will be joining my brother in Europe at the end of his exchange program in sweden in June. Visiting a sunny concentration camp would defeat the purpose of visiting it in the first place, wouldn't it? But then again, will I ever get the chance to visit it during a chilly month of december?

Ah, I asked myself why I wanted to visit it so badly. Still in search of an answer. Most probably the one I've given above.

Hmmmmmm. Why do I write on this blog?

Edward Hopper - New York Movie
(my favourite Hopper painting)
-
'have you ever been alone in a crowded room?'

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The twenty minutes in school today was absolutely terrible so I left. It's as though all the colours were drained from this world and I was the ONLY one feeling that way.

It wasn't the fear of being SEEN alone, I don't fear the looks of others anymore. Anyway in actual fact there were people all around me. It's just this entire... empty space engulfing me even though there were people around me. So I went to school hoping I'd meet people but left knowing that wouldn't even happen. I got so sick of the feeling I had to leave. Thoughts about yourself are THAT powerful.

I thought about stuff on the bus and tried to be logical about it. Then I went home and watched dramas and played the piano to put my emotions in other areas, which kind of worked. Dramas can amplify certain emotions in you and help you forget about your bad ones momentarily.

Really.. I don't feel like myself lately. It's quite annoying when you find yourself saving things as drafts or when everything goes into your personal diary. It feels as though I have forbidden thoughts that can't be shown to the world. This isn't me at all, is it?

I wouldn't imagine myself suppressing my emotions but that's exactly what I'm trying to do these days. It's so unlike me to let my brain tell me what is the RIGHT way to feel so as to control my emotions. Don't I normally let myself be sad? It's more like "there's no use in being sad!" "there's no use in panicking!" or "that's the point in feeling that way?" kind of thing these days.

Horowitz playing Chopin's Polonaise in A flat major op. 53


I think I spent 2 or 3 hours playing parts 0:35 to 1:10 cause I was so frustrated about not getting the notes right (gonna take forever with the song 10 times the length of that). The tune came to me (of all days), no thanks to my dad who has the cd and got all excited over it too. (and started explaining how CDs, LDs and vinyl discs are made)

Ah, at least I know I don't give up easily in everything.... -_-

Can't wait for the end of the A'sssssss. I'll finally get a guitar and I'll play the piano all day (if I'm not out, that is). Music's probably the only thing I love soo much such that not being fantastic doesn't take away any joy during the process. Okay, it did last time (I scrunched up my exam book into a ball) but not anymore. I wish I put in more time in the past, but that's alright I'll improve from this point.

& yeah I listen to classical and I love it alot. It's not geeky :) (anyway, what impression do most people have on classical music??)

save as draft. There's so much you can't say.

I don't want anybody to read this long ranty post but I don't want to save it as a draft either cause suppressing your feelings sucks. This shall stay.

I've never felt like this before. I've always whined about being alone but this time it translates to a different feeling altogether. I don't feel like whining. I don't feel like speaking. I don't know how to feel. I want to cut my heart open and show it to someone, my brain, whatever. I really wish someone would understand me without having to speak. Everything I say turns out wrong.

I feel really empty today. But not sad. I'd usually feel extremely sad and emo and find someone to whine to when I feel lonely but I didn't. I've never really been this lonely before, but I don't FEEL sad like I did. Maybe I'm just used to it. It's been a month anyway. I don't know what to feel. I guess that's the feeling you get when you keep things to yourself. I didn't know who to turn to, without worrying about being a nuisance to them. I hate that feeling. Hate.

I messaged some friends to fill that gap but it doesn't make things better when you realise you're on the bus alone, they're not around you and probably with their own friends, and you're probably not needed by anybody at all. Worst of all, there are people you can't talk to because you've built that wall in the past. Just what on earth is forgiveness and karma? and trust? and love? there's no such thing as forever. It doesn't exist.

I want to do something for someone, without them suspecting if I'm doing it just to feel less lonely. Does forgiveness exist? They wouldn't believe me even if I told them I didn't feel that way. Or maybe I don't even understand myself. I don't understand myself.


I feel like I've switched place with some people. I feel segregated from the rest of the world. I don't like talking to people anymore. It tires me alot. I'm getting too used to staying at home, being alone and enjoying it. And that becomes clearer when you go back to the society and realise your absence doesn't make a difference to anybody's life.

I feel like I don't belong with them anymore. It gets worse when you watch dramas of groups of friends being together, and words like "It's okay if nobody believes you, as long as there's one person who does". I wonder if there's anybody? Not just anybody who cares about me, I know there are, but somebody who sees me as a best friend and vice versa. Even as I'm typing this, I'm afraid it'd be viewed as "just whining". I want to move to a new place. I want to move to a new environment and start all over again.


I'm no longer afraid of reaching out to people first. But I might just retreat back to that shell again. Perhaps it's still a better thing to lock yourself at home. You won't see anybody. No expression from people that will affect you, no jealousy from looking at others laugh and play while you sit and try to mix in. But you never will. It's tiring to always be the one being left out. It's been like that since young. Am I that strange?

I don't know what to feel. Why am I not sad at a time where I should have the most right to be upset? Feels like I'm going to erupt someday. I'm afraid I'll spew everything out once there's someone who'll let me open up. I'm afraid I'll start whining. People hate that.

I haven't been blogging lately, suddenly afraid of people getting offended by what I say. Wondering if what I'm saying is right afterall. I guess there are certain points of view that people don't accept, and certain personalities people won't accept. I wonder if I've reached breaking point? No.



For the first time, I don't feel a need for anybody to read this. I just need a space. and saving it as a draft makes me feel like I'm suppressing my feelings and I know I'll erupt if I do that.

Something else scares me. I don't want next year to come. I don't know if I should take private or choose to retain. I hate being in school. It amplifies the feeling of loneliness by a million times. I hate being in school, I hate seeing people together. I hate the feeling of jealousy. I hate it when I get affected by people so easily. I hate it all. But I know I'll hate being alone at home in time to come. Knowing you're really just going through everything alone, again.

I can't go on like this forever, even if I tell myself it's okay.


I've been oddly optimistic despite all these. I keep telling myself "it's okay", "it's just a phase". I really hope it is. I believe so.

I miss coursework all of a sudden.

I miss all the stuff we do in the art room.

Ahhh.

There's something wrong with my mind.

Cut my brain open I want to see how it looks like.

Jumbled up, perhaps?

Should this explain the disappearance of a few posts?

heartstrings.. and a pair of scissors

So I visited a few tumblrs (or tumblr blog or whatever you call it) with the usual lovey-dovey quotes/words from heartbroken girls.

and I realised I'm definitely incapable of loving anybody to the extent of missing him/her so much. There's nobody floating in my mind instinctively. It's quite easy to achieve after tons of bad experiences, really. Having people (or a person) on your mind wherever, whenever is absolutely annoying. If it's a one-way kind of thing, that is.

Like some instruction manual, heartless: cut yourself off, don't expect people to be with you forever, don't even think of how your friendship/relationship will be 10 years later. Just live in the moment, don't get disappointed when someone does not care as much for you as you care for them because there is absolutely no use in feeling sad.

Cut, cut, cut away.. and then all you're left with is you, yourself and.. yourself in your own little world. Congratulations, you've achieved independence. I wonder if being self-centered is a side effect? Strangely, I feel abit less self-centered when my mind's thinking straight so everything might lead to an improvement afterall.

-------------------

But, like all things in life, it is just a PHASE. That's how I see it at least. It won't mean you'll be heartless forever cause you'll slowly discover what love is all about again - without the fear of being hurt or losing people around you. Lessons from past mistakes will definitely come in handy. I think we can all take the chance to improve ourselves further too.

Only loss is change in personality, I suppose.



That said, I still feel like a completely heartless being. On one hand, it eradicates my extremely emotional moments but on the other hand.. I'm just not sure if it's such a good thing afterall..

I DON'T EVEN SOUND LIKE MYSELF HERE. Not like the girl from the posts a few months ago. But that's how I've been these days, so... I've changed, I guess. I only hope it's temporary.

As much as it makes me feel better, it's quite disgusting to feel inhumane. It's been showing in my dreams too, obviously.

It's monday. There isn't any stress getting to me. I know what my future's gonna be like. Putting in your effort halfway wouldn't make a difference dammit, people tell me to do my best for now but nooooo it has to be GREAT or well, just don't do it.

But I can't run away this time.. besides I've already taken half the papers. You just have to fail before you realise something don't you? I'm fine with dying for now. So.. let's see what can be done in 3 days. (who am I kidding? That do it well or just don't do it at all mentality is still getting to me)

The first step starts from not doubting myself. Inner me who thinks I'll never work hard, shut up. If it makes things better, I was once capable of working hard... until hell broke loose in sec 3. Don't know what the hell happened then, the rebellious and lazy side of me probably got too sick of homework.

Sloth is a deadly drug, I never got rid of it since it entered my life. Second, don't get complacent. I wish nobody said anything. They should've said I was stupid so I'd work my ass off for better grades. Nobody's to blame except for me, of course. Last, take responsibility for your own life.

I watched a movie, Ao no Hono (the blue flame) last night.
(Sacrificed 1.5 hours of my sleep for that)

Found a really wonderful review HERE
(very structured, in-depth and detailed analysis)

Story of a boy who sins to save: Basically it's about 17 year old suichi (played by nino) plotting to kill his step dad who entered their house one day after divorcing his mom. All he does is to drink and beat them up, so Shuichi, filled with hatred, decided to kill him to protect his sister and mom with the help of the internet and library books.

It was staged like a natural death but one of his friends found out so Shuichi fooled him into staging a robbery at his workplace and killed him to keep his mouth shut.

However, he had problems covering his tracks and was forced to turn himself in. The day he was supposed to report to the police station, he met up with the girl of his interest who said to him:

Did you really kill them? I can’t think of anyone that I would want to kill. But I guess that people get caught up in situations – where they’re forced to kill.”

Relieved that he was justified in the girl's eyes, Shuichi ran his road racer into a van, leaving her with just a tape recording of him listing his favourite things, and his family behind.

---

He's no psychopath though, for all these was done out of his one and only will - to protect his family.

I've left out the parts with romance and many details. The coolest part is the fact that Shuichi lives in a garage and sleeps in a large fish tank flooded with blue lights and tells his secrets to a tape recorder.

I really loved nino's convincing acting here. Really convincing.

-------

I should watch comedies after the A's, too much exposure to these films will surely leave me desensitized to issues of violence or death :/

If not, I'll get to my econs books now.

Bought 3 CDs!


Oasis - stop the clock
(old 2006 compilation album)


Olivia Ong - Just for you
17 originals from her. I prefer her covers though :/


王力宏 - 十八般武藝

... and now, plain bread for the rest of the week if i study out?

No matter, it's all worth it! The greatest incentive is that I can play these on the sound system! And I do feel bad for downloading my music all these while.. artists don't earn much from selling records these days thanks to people like us who download practically everything. You might just kill a talented singer just because they don't act/have product endorsements/perform in concerts! (I'm sure there are more reasons but that's all I know for now) So support your favourite artists and buy there CDs!

Okay, I wouldn't say Oasis is my favourite band, but I always listen to them when I've got nothing else to listen to, so I think I must like them quite abit to know that they'll definitely please my ears when all other songs fail to do so at certain times. (they've disbanded though :( )

My friend lent me the Lee Hom CD a month ago but I thought I should buy it too, haha.

I intended to get a japanese album too but they have limited variety here :( and they're so expensive, 69 for an album is out of my budget. I'll buy online if I really want to.. and that'd have to wait since most of them are idol crazes. The jap fangirls will do the job. (unless I can find nino's album with niji in it)

I dreamt myself of killing a friend a few days ago (can't recall who).

Sounds pretty lame like that but it was so real (especially the dilemma at the back), I woke up 2 hours late just to complete the dream. The freaky part wasn't the graphics, it was more of the internal conflict in me. And primary school composition conclusions never seemed that real.. "I was relieved it was all a dream". HAHA.

-----------------

We were taking turns to kill each other with a gun and I shot my first friend who volunteered herself. Thought it'd be fine to kill since I was gonna die anyway. The bullet went through her heart while she was sitting and leaning by the pillar, her head tilted to one side when she stopped breathing, her blouse soaked in blood.

So we shot the first two in the toilet when this random bespectacled girl walked in with an ashen face. I calmly explained that we're merely rehearsing for a school play and that the blood was fake. I remember giving my friend the "yessss" signal when she went into the cubicle.

So we went around the school looking for a great spot to kill each other and found this huge toilet near the canteen with strange music playing near the vents. There was a rattlesnake and the third friend screamed "omg snakkeeee I don't want to die I don't want to dieeee!" (I guess getting shot by a gun beats being bitten to death by a snake)

We ran out of that place as fast as we could, just to find one of our teachers dragging out one of the dead bodies.

Well too bad that was fake. Feigned murder. We previously got a friend (I can remember his face, he was my senior back in secondary school) to pretend to be dead and the moment they dragged him out in the open he sprung up and went "SURPRISE YOU GOT TRICKED!!". Come to think of it that was pretty lame...

----

Somehow that teacher had a suspicious look on her face and I got really freaked all of a sudden. Well, we're all gonna die anyway so it'd be fine, I told myself repeatedly. But scenes of my family members crying over the newspapers with the headlines "group of girls kills each other for fun in school" entered my head.

I fought hard to push those images aside but I felt their pain at that moment. Losing a loved one over her childish acts? I don't want them to suffer that way. I love them too much.

There were racing thoughts in my mind then. I should live on, for the sake of my family.. yes.. but that'll only mean getting caught and put to jail, with a beautifully ruined future. What's the value of life behind bars? My family would be equally heartbroken and with a black mark, there wouldn't be a place for me in society in the future. But I'm sure that'd still be better than having a dead daughter.


Living a life of pain just for the ones you love or painless escape with a simple pull of the trigger? The reason why I struggled with my decision was because I loved them too much. I don't think I've ever felt myself love anybody that much before.

I remained silent while the rest were still looking for a perfect spot to die.. why had I volunteered to make the first pull of the trigger? If I hadn't done so, I could've backed out of everything without leaving a print on my life.

... so it went on till I woke up, EXTREMELY relieved of course.

-----------------------------------------------

I've failed to capture the emotions I had in my dream. FAIL. It was just extremely scary and guilt can really kill you. Hardest decision I've ever made (okay attempted to make) so far.

I read that dreams of murder can mean one is about to get rid of certain habits once and for all and.. I've noticed some changes in me. Don't know if it's just my imagination or it's real. All I know is this dream was pretty darn amazing.

Two years ago, I dreamt of someone I know cutting bodies into pieces (they looked like embryos) and dumping each individual part into dustbins along an entire row of bungalows after placing them in take-away containers. How gross. I woke up in the middle of the night that time, thoroughly freaked and retreated to the comfort of the wall.


I am so freaky. Try looking "dreams of murder" on google though, some people dream of these on a weekly basis and they're far more scary than mine. Well, they say things you dream of don't usually come true and I honestly do not have any murderous intent. But I don't understand why I feel entirely fine letting the whole world see my freaky side.

I am so freaky it scares me sometimes... nah not really those psychopaths in shows are worse. Gonna watch Ao no Hono after A's!

Shadow project part 1&2
(the 2nd part, the (hand) shadow show itself is amazing,
around the middle of the video)

Looking at the children and Koyama (celebrity) work so hard is really heartwarming. Basically a few artists are each attached to a certain project for charity, and Koyama's was about learning sign language to connect with 9 kids who are hearing impaired and putting up a finger shadow puppet show with them.

You can see how he was really serious about helping them, considering even the smallest details from their point of view and his willingness to put in 100% effort. Not for success or the amount of money it can raise, but for the kids and their parents.

Fund raising concerts aren't too meaningful sometimes because it feels like they are simply going through the motions, but seeing them put in sooo much effort into helping the disabled in this video really brings tears to my eyes. Putting in our best effort to help others is of utmost importance, giving should come from the heart as well right?

One more video (split into two)

This one is about his visit to a school which trains service dogs to help those who are hearing impaired. The school offers training spots for recluses and the unemployed, I think it's for a good cause. An interviewed recluse said he gained confidence by taking care of the dogs, and that it was easier to open up to them because humans lie but dogs are loyal and stay true to their owner. Basically the setting up of this school benefits:

1) the hearing impaired
2) the dogs picked up from pounds, which would otherwise be abandoned
3) recluses and unemployed not ready to step into the society yet.

"humans lie to each other, but dogs don't lie to anyone"

--

It's encouraging to know that there are actually people making their little contributions to make this world a better place. Maybe I shouldn't be too cynical about things afterall.

I haven't been writing lately, but I've changed the most during this period. This time, it feels abit like growing up, being able to accept things as they are.

I also wonder if it's a good thing, to be able to cut people away,
not holding on to anything at all. Is this moving on? letting go? ignorance?

No jealousy, no hurt (or at least not long lasting) involved.
just makes me feel much less human.
And increasingly isolated from the rest of the world.

The journey home was a lonely one today (it's been like that the past month), but I got over it anyway. There isn't any use in feeling sad about not having something, and no point in regretting.

It's nice at home though, you won't feel alone because there isn't anybody else around (that are not alone), you don't have to bother about finding things to say, there's absolute space and freedom.

-----

On a separate note, I value (complete) privacy but I'm overly curious about things and people. Is this reverse psychology, or what?

Ninomiya Kazunari - Yume

One more wouldn't hurt, right? It's based on Yume by shibata Jun, nino omitted some parts and switched some sentences around.

I love this one even more than the previous two.. O: Because I have a natural inclination towards sad and depressing songs, and music which paint images. They set the mood for the lyrics.


Shibata Jun - Yume

Her voice is pretty damn awesome too.

Ninomiya Kazunari - Niji

The seasons bring the evening sunlight
The shadows find me and stretch toward me...


Gosh I love nino so. He wrote the music and lyrics for this too! Niji means rainbow, btw. I just discovered this one today, think I like this one even more than Konseki~ You'll fall in love with it even if you don't love japanese songs, I'm sure. Emotive songs are the best.

Ninomiya Kazunari - Konseki (kako)

written by nino himself :) Konseki = imprints. Kako = past. I've never really noticed the lyrics since it sounded nice enough just with the music. Pardon me for the excessive use of the word beautiful, but it really is. Tops my list when it comes to Japanese songs for sure.

Translation:

Never fading, never fading, traces of the early summer's rain
The tracks left by tears never dry
I can't erase, I can't erase the shadow of the one I love
That arises in the dark night

Walking along the riverside as the sun sets
Together with you and our smiles
What should we do for dinner today?
It was a small, such a small, everyday kind of happiness

After you died, you went on living deep in my heart

Even if I come to love someone else
They'll never be more than just "someone else"
Even if I continue on through countless seasons
The truth is, I'm afraid that if I let go, you'll disappear

Gazing at this violet, it's so beautiful
But one day it will wither...
Time blends with the crimson of the evening
Leaving two reflections on the water's surface...
I was so afraid to see those silhouettes
Join together to become one
I noticed it too late
Only one is reflected there...

The seeds I buried in my heart then
Began to sprout after the twentieth day
The form, the shape may be different, but the love is unchanging
A gently shining light

--

Back to geog -
I forgot to mention I had an absolutely freaky dream last night. The details will spoil the post so I'll leave it for next time. Goodluck for the A's!

Ueda Tatsuya - Ai no Hana

(watch from 6:28 and ignore the other parts in front)

I love the lights! (not in a very descriptive mood right now so just watch it) I can just stare at it in my dreamy state the whole day. Music and Lyrics both by Ueda. It's a beautiful song :)


Lyrics + translation here, and alittle interpretation of the song too:

"While the words themselves aren't anything particularily original, I love how Ueda uses "sakura flowers" and "flowers" in general to make the distinction between past and future loves.

"Flowers" represent love and he has already let the Sakura flower bloom in his heart - but it didn't work out. He has only "eternal memories and an eternal smile" left of that love to take with him. The soil of his heart will never have a sakura grow in it again - each flower can only grow once - but one day, he'll walk down the path of love and let another type of flower, another love, bloom in his heart.

The last stanza actually sends shivers down my spine, it's so packed with meaning."


It's not exactly the voice or him being cute that I love so much, it's his quiet disposition and not always trying to show himself, his talent in composing, the whole mysterious aura (yet cute at the same time), him being a deep thinker AND as strange as me. The face is a bonus, of course.

I'll be in silent admiration & not attempt to sound convincing whatsoever.

(before you read further, nothing happened recently. This is just something I wanted to say all along, I found the right words today.)

Tears are just by-products of emotions, nothing more

It's not the sympathy I need when I cry, I don't even want it. It's just a natural reaction, not so much of an expression of my emotions but a by-product.

Asking "why are you crying?" (in the "Is there any use in crying when it doesn't change anything?" kind of tone) is like asking "what's the use of being happy/sad?" Do these questions actually make sense?

It doesn't go as far as "why are you crying? You want my sympathy? You want me to be nicer to you now?" like most people think. Not for my case at least. It's funny how alot of people think people cry because they want the attention, or want others to take pity on them and forgive them etc.

-

I'm quite immune to tears. This sounds strange after all that I've said but it makes sense. I'm immune to it that's why I don't think there's a problem with it, or I won't feel uneasy when I see someone crying. I grew up in an environment where it's not seen as a sign of weakness.

I'm unlikely to comfort people when they're crying unless I understand their situation. (I try to understand most of the time, of course) Yeah maybe I'm strange like that. So don't be too freaked out when I start crying or something, leave me alone if its disturbing.

I need to grow up. Some of my earlier posts are so offensive and defensive they make me feel stupid and immature.

I can't handle my emotions too well, the kind that wouldn't allow people to misunderstand me and when they do, I'll go to all lengths to explain myself (sometimes adopting rather condescending or defensive tones). Guess that gives me the freedom to do whatever I want since most won't bother to correct me eventually.. but that isn't the right way to go, is it?

Since it's close to impossible to make myself a less sensitive person (even my physical senses), I really gotta take note of my tone when I speak to people or write here. Just thought I should write this down.

I'm back to my jpop/poprock. They have the power to make you listen to them just because.. they have pretty boys. I can't believe I'm saying this. I swore not to be like that! (felt quite immature during my sec 3 period where I was crazy over yamapi) It's now Ueda Tatsuya (and kat-tun)! I have a soft spot for people who write their own music ahhhh. And the whole pretty thing's a plus point. And you know, sensitivity.

Rock's pretty good if you want to get lost in your own world, or if you want to stop yourself from getting too emotional, it kinda blocks your heart out. I'd normally listen to sad music when I'm sad but blocked some feelings out with the music today. Wouldn't want to get too emotional a week before the exams you know? Speaking of the exams.. I don't even want to speak of it. Screwed xE99.

Why is it that things only get better when I don't love my friends as much/place too much importance on them? I'm only better cause it doesn't bother me that much that I'm not their closest friend. I'm nobody closest friend. When will anybody ever love me as much as I'll love them?

This is strange. I can only study in the wee hours of the morning. So I put my phone away for hours and hours in the day but got hooked onto other things instead, which meant another day wasted. Then I fell asleep at 11, woke up at 1:30, tried studying and WOW I could concentrate. Too bad I kind of dropped dead after 2 hours and had to stagger to my bed (napping at the table wouldn't keep your mind awake! Yes I meant STAGGER) Why hadn't I tried sleeping at 9 and waking up at 2 to study??

{edit}
10 years from now, I'm going to hate the person I am right now. How I give up too easily and all. It's 2am, I'm blasting rock music through my speakers, half of me wondering what I've done today. At least I'm doing something now, I guess... I love midnights so.

& I've come to a conclusion that I listen to pretty much anything and many songs have the potential to be highly addictive (like drugs) regardless of its genre. It's really easy to get hooked onto a song but you'll know which genres you REALLY love when you go back to them again and go "woah I forgot this music is THIS great".

So I'm back at my Jpop/poprock phase since they're kind of catchy and.. everything about Ueda (and the songs he composes) makes you want to p

Can someone tell me why my grammar is getting worse? It annoys me to no end! Makes me not want to speak at times.
{/edit}

Soothe your mind

Sarah Mclachlan - Answer

'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

---

This one's on my "top rated" playlist, which I'd classify under the "norah jones kind of music". It isn't jazzy but both their soothing voices make you feel as though you're underwater and slowly sinking to the bottom.

I wrote a poem about this feeling on 23rd june 2010. Some kind of a lousy poem that is but that's how this song makes me feel, though slightly more positive since I'm not depressed anymore.

Actually, that was about dying peacefully and finally escaping from this world that the girl didn't belong in. (which was me, then) I think I was listening to "answer" the other time too.

I like the word ethereal.

-------------------

I shall end this off with another song by her :)


Sarah Mclachlan - Angel

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay

There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

There wouldn't be outcasts if nobody was the same.
Rather, no outcasts if people weren't expected to be the same.
How can one be 'different' if not for the word 'same'?

Not everyone's born a speaker, or a talker.

Since young, we were taught "ways to be a better speaker", made to go through presentation after presentation -- all for the aim of preparing us for society. Because they'll only hire you when you know the 'correct' way to speak, how to package things nicely, or how smiling more would gain you greater acceptance.

Trainings to help express ourselves better and to connect with others is, of course, good. But somehow, it feels as though some of us are losing more and more of ourselves as we grow older.

-----------

For the extroverts, it can be done really easily. But how about the 30% *rough figure* of the introverts on earth? Must they be forced to put on an approachable front just to fit in? Calling them "cold", "distant" and "anti-social" would eventually pressurize them to change into somebody they're not, for it is only natural to want to fit in.

These people are the ones whose personalities grow onto you after awhile, after they get used to you and break out of their shell. Or they might really have little to speak of. If humans were allowed to be themselves, there wouldn't be people desperately trying to find things to say even though they know it doesn't feel like themselves at all. There wouldn't be pain of the disapproval of oneself just because they're not like the majority.

The majority makes use of great numbers to impose a sense of superiority over the minority. All they have are numbers. Everyone's special the way they are, so they shouldn't worry about being different from the majority.

---------------------------------------------

If they didn't make us all go through the same processes, if they didn't make us fit into molds, wouldn't life be much more interesting? I think we'd be able to learn more from each other if we were allowed to reveal our true selves. Of course we have a choice to not care about fitting into society, but honestly, who would want that? Where did the idea of 'fitting in' come from?

The thing is, the word "different" wouldn't exist without the word "same", which is like "outcast" as opposed to "fitting in". If the world allowed everyone to be who they were born to be, if everyone wasn't expected to be the same, there wouldn't even be someone 'different'. Just unique beings.

Do we live to fit into society, or do we live to be ourselves?

First love - addicted to you (Tokyo Kosei Wind Orchestra)
(band and orchestra music are still the best mood setters)


This song made me tear while I was thinking about all the things people said to me throughout the day, and while reading a note my friend wrote for me. 1:20 to 2:10 gives a very forward-looking kind of feeling, like the kind of encouragement along the lines of "yes take a brave step forward into a whole new world!"

The melody enters in a sure and steady manner.. moments later, a saxophone solo waltzes in like.. a beautifully dressed, classy young lady full of poise. She does a curtsey to her admirers (the flautists). The melody seems to symbolize a kind of confidence and (then the next saxophone solo comes in, louder).. she takes a greater step, more sure about herself than ever before. The flutes draw an end to the melody, as if symbolising the end of this "introductory walk" of the girl on the red carpet.. and then the doors start to open up and she is greeted by a whole new world, (jazzy, swing kind of music), a world of adults I suppose.

-

This segment gives me this kind of feeling, somehow.. stepping into a whole new world. Maybe this imagery came to me while I was thinking about what others said today? It's like drawing confidence from others and stepping out for the first time, realising how wonderful this self-belief can be. (can be)

Belief? None of it here, sir.

I'm really thankful to those who came for the Art exhibition today (kaiying, annia, siyun), my friend who wrote me the note, the other one who had a short talk with me at the traffic lights and the teacher I talked to at exhibition. Professional critique/comments feel much more real.

But at the end of the day, I still feel pretty inadequate. I fear the reaction from the rest, of those who do not like it. I feel inferior when others place my work aside and admire the rest. I fear the "oh, it's nice" from people who look like they try too hard to find nice things to say about my work. They make me forget the genuinely nice comments. I really wish people would say something bad about my work and areas for improvement. I feel so uneasy when people praise me. It doesn't feel real unless it comes with critique.

In all honestly, I felt the work wasn't that bad by itself because it marks my progress. Not great, not exactly bad either. But is that enough? No, not really. Not with tons of people better than I am.

--------------------------------------------

I'm my greatest enemy. Even after all these, I find it far too difficult to believe in myself. It's been my stumbling block since young, but it seems to have gotten worse throughout the years. It makes me give up and honestly, I've given up on the A's long ago, telling myself it's impossible for miracles to happen ever since we stepped into the "TWO MONTHS BEFORE A's!!" period.

Had I planned to drag it till the end of the A's and let myself fail and have an excuse to retake it and (probably) have more time to catch up even though I know I'll never change? (just look at what I did during the O's..) Why have I let myself accept this "reality" of failing?

Probably because I knew two months wasn't enough to deliver shocking results that will help me gain self-satisfaction. Perhaps procrastinating gives me the excuse of being helpless so I could have another go at it, and to start earlier the next time round.

The question is, when will I ever be satisfied with myself?
Just what on earth do the words "trust" and "belief" mean?

-----------------------------------

I'll end this post with "kizuna" (bond). Not exactly related to what I was saying above, but it's a great song to end a post with!


Kazuya Kamenashi - Kizuna

I really love this song even though Kame annoys me alot. All that matters is how great a song is. We shouldn't measure the quality of a song by the consistency of a singer. God, I suck at expressing myself but you do get what I mean right? It'll be a great song to play during a friend's departure cause it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!

Please listen to it, especially the chorus and the line "一歩づつでいいさ　この手を離さずに" from 0:48 to 1:24. AND 3:03 to 3:44.

No scrape that I like the starting too.

ueda appeared at 3:00 & 3:26 to 3:28!

Warning: senseless, brief fangirling moment

not to the extent of fangirling, actually. (I hate that word!)

(kpop doesn't appeal to me, somehow. There are definitely nicer japanese songs but well.. for the love of ueda! )

Ueda Tatsuya - Love in Snow

I've been listening to the japanese songs I used to go crazy over back in secondary school & I find myself falling in love with Ueda again~

What's there not to love about a musically inclined, pretty, insecure, sensitive, mysterious guy of few words? (with a really radiant smile when he's happy). Or maybe I'm attracted because his moodiness reminds me of myself alot, or how he doesn't exactly like listening to others. Did I mention about this totally cool aura around him?

Anyway, he wrote the song above! Pardon the funny translations, just listen to the melody and be prepared to put it on repeat~ Ever since I tried figuring out the notes for the piano solo, I've been hooked onto my piano (for the lack of a better word).

So I'm now back to my classical music too, it keeps me really happy (and distracted). Well, I give up. Banning myself from the computer is of no use, my thoughts are my biggest distraction anyway.



KAT-TUN - Yorokobi no Uta

I don't exactly like this song but he's so attractive here!!

forward to 1:18 - 1:20, 2:20 - 2:24, 2:35 - 2:43, 3:47 - 3:50!
3:14 to 3:17 where he sings "kimi ga iru"!


After all these (whatever diarrhoea this is)..
time to hit my books again!

I've been a really bad friend to those I didn't care much about (regardless of whether they see me as someone important or not). It's been like that since primary school, cutting ties as long as I didn't feel close enough/didn't feel like getting close. Abit too late for me to express my apology, or even if I wanted to talk to them again, I'm sure they wouldn't want to. Who would?

Should those I love chose to leave (of course, not all will), it'd be rather empty in this world of mine. I really don't know what trust is all about. There's no such thing surrounding me. Yet at other (rare) times, I trust too easily. Just who on earth am I?

Well you see, I'm fond of taking posts down.

I'm still hooked onto manhattan and cliffs of dover! I really really can't wait for the A's to end so I can find the sexiest guitar that'll catch my eye (determined to learn it well!), continue with my piano lessons, read, sync my ipod, shop for albums and watch movies/dramas!!

My friend I've known since the start of the year (we don't talk much though) says I don't look like I have any worries at all.. :O

2 more weeks... and I'm screwed for life. Nah, kidding I wouldn't be screwed even if I fail this time round! I think people never understood what I meant by 'not studying' because the reaction was "OMG ARE YOU NUTS? What I think you're nuts!!" when I kinda explained what it meant.

Yeah I was nuts. But I won't be one the rest of my life! At least I'm not being one two weeks before the A's. Haha, two weeks..

Ice cream buffet on grad day with class! You wouldn't be able to guess the number of scoops I had :D


My neighbour's dog fifi! She comes in for milk whenever our door's open!


I miss japannnn (especially this first meal)


Happy Birthday Annia! (if you'll ever see this..)
I miss all of you.

Dear soul in me,

it really sucks to be you. Could you try being less insecure and stop being so worried and scared and limitation-oriented? And even if you can't help it, can you at least try to voice out all your concerns in the correct tone without letting emotions affect you?

Can you not try to solve everything on your own and get frustrated when others don't understand you (when you haven't explained to them your key concerns)? It's scary and completely embarrassing to have others know your emotional fears and how they affect your decisions but you just have to live with it.

Well, at least try not to feel sad when others don't understand the hell you're going through and misunderstand you. Because you haven't made yourself clear in the first place! Living alone is not the only way, and you jolly well know you can't. You have to fit into this society and that isn't easy but we have to do it anyway.

Love, your body

So I started a discussion about trees on fb.

But I really want to know if trees live forever! Will they die of 'old age', given humans don't kill them and they don't get affected by natural disasters? Well, we'll never live long enough to know..

Graduation

Everything feels different, now that I'm finally alone at home.

Why am I in no mood to write even after the (slightly) overwhelming emotions during the ceremony earlier on? I've made alot of mistakes the past two years and I don't want to remember. Still making mistakes up till today..

On the other hand, I had a nice time taking photos with my schoolmates and friends. I don't usually like asking for photos to be taken but today's an exception.

I also want to thank all those who came for the art exhibition, I really appreciate it :)

Personality/character

I was chatting with my friend via sms who told me the differences between these words, thus unlocking some questions in me which I've been searching for answers to.

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Personality (from the latin word 'persona', meaning 'actor's mask') - The face that one shows to the social world.

Character/real self (derivative of greek word meaning 'something imprinted and distinctive of the nature of a person or thing').

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What we put on most of the time reflects our persona but not necessarily our true character. That is what I've been talking about, this superficiality. For the longest time, I didn't understand how superficiality is such a negative word yet I don't mean it to be bad all the time. The right word is "personality".

This world only sees the personality of others, assuming their character is flawed the moment they find something about their personality they can dismiss. This world blindly embraces those with "pleasant personalities" and forgets about how they can have a flawed character. This world sees things for their surface value, and people who try to be themselves (true character) will either put on the mask again just to fit in, or die unaccepted.

I'll die unaccepted but not give up hope of finding someone who will accept me for who I am. I do not know if that day will come, I'll only count myself unlucky if I never do.